Life+Zelda=Win

January 20th, 2011 by KellyJoe

Finally I beat The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time for the ump-billionth time! Whoo! Anyway, so I was thinking about it and I often joke with my friends about how that game raised me and I was like “Hey! That game really did teach me some really important life lessons!” and here they are-

1-You’re not cool unless you have the same things as all the other kids.
2-Everything you ever need you can find in the woods.
3-Giant tree’s count as parents for large groups of children in said woods.
4-Always aim for the eyes!
5-If you can’t find a way out either light some torches or set things on fire.
6-Never go out into the world after dark.
7-Breaking into people’s houses is cool as long as you don’t get caught.
8-Nanny’s are ninjas.
9-Grave robbing gets you awesome crap! Or attacked by dead people.
10-Squish every gold spider you see. They probably cursed somebody’s family.
11-Chickens CAN and WILL KILL YOU!
12-Beating people up will make them sell you stuff.
13-Empty jars are the best things that will ever happen to you.
14-Music can cure the angriest soul.
15-If its giant and its spinning throw a bomb in it.
16-Killing a giant lizard thats been bugging everyone makes you earn bro’s fo’ life! Thug style.
17-You can find money anywhere-even in a giant volcano and the inside of a giant fish.
18-Break every jar you see cause there’s gonna be something awesome in them!
19-Letting ten year olds carry weapons is the best idea ever.
20-Never rescue fish ladies. They’ll want to marry you.
21-There’s a map and compass for everything.
22-Giant floating mostly naked women living in caves give the greatest gifts.
23-Old slightly green men beat kids up on a regular basis, so avoid them.
24-Jumping while holding a chicken makes you float so its totally cool if you jump off a cliff with one.
25-Some girls are super amazing at cross dressing-or ARE they??
26-Some people don’t grow up. Like literally.
27-Dead guys also give super awesome gifts but only if you beat them in a race.
28-Kill the dead-then sell them!
29-Wearing a blue shirt allows you to breathe underwater.
30-Crazies never forget being engaged to you.
31-Wells are creepy and full of torture chambers.
32-Being able to hover isn’t as cool as you would think.
33-Groups of girls are jerks and will beat you up unless you work your way into their clique.
34-If owls could talk, they’d talk way too much.
35-Rescuing a bunch of people makes you friends, so go out of your way to help people so they’ll help you beat up people you hate.
36-The fancier your bling the heavier the things you can lift.
37-All bad guys that think they’re awesome play organs.
38-Tennis with orbs of evil light FTW.
39-If your enemies are angry enough they’ll fight the cold clutches of death to turn into a pig creature with a rainbow tail. They’ll still suck at fighting though.
40-Turning back time makes everything better. But then your friends will leave you. Jerks.

And that concludes all the life lessons I took from my friends Link, Zelda, and even kind of.. Ganondorf. Who picked that name though, honestly?
I hope that all of you can take some of the wisdom from this and apply it to your lives so we can all be better, more green clad people. :)

So, yeah..

January 13th, 2011 by KellyJoe

Apparently I am full of crap. That whole writing once a week thing, how long ago did I say that? On the 27th of December! Which is only like two weeks ago but still, I fail. I fail pretty hard. I don’t know why anyone even listens to me make these crazy promises anymore since all I ever do it break them! Oh, Joe, when are you going to write in your blog? Every week! When are you going to take that test? First of January! When are you going to do all those dishes? Today! When are you going to beat Zelda? LAST WEEK! Honestly, what the heck is wrong with me that I’ve become a compulsive LIAR about getting stuff done?! Did you know that I map out my day to include all things that I want to get done? Yes, I am that sort of crazy. Here’s my schedule-
7am- Get ready and dressed for the day.
8am- Study for that stupid CNA test that I’ve seriously stopped giving a crap about.
9am- Walk Lacy and actually get some form of exercise.
10am-Clean.
12pm-Eat and try to make a dent in that giant book that has like fourteen stinkin’ books in that horrible hard to read series.
1pm-Clean some more.
2pm-Work on your house cause your kitchen has been in the state of being remodeled for HOW LONG?
3pm-Write some of my own original stuff.
After five is free time!

Now ask me how well that schedule is going? It’s not. It is not going like at all. I woke up at nine today for one because for some reason I can’t fall asleep until about one! I have walked Lacy consistently for two days now though so I guess thats something to be proud of but everything else? NO. Just forget about it. If I told you that I was going to do something you should probably just forget that I ever said that to you EVER because I’m probably not. I am full of crap. All. The. Time.
Every day.
Every single day!
Like you don’t even know.
And that why I don’t have any friends left.
I lied to them and then when I realized that I had lied to them I wrote a very rant-y blog post and frightened the few that were left away.
I am a bad person. :( I apologize if anyone expected me to do anything I actually said I was going to do.
Cause I’m not. Ever. I could write a book on the art of procrastination. Except that I won’t because then I would be telling the truth about me doing something productive and that just cannot happen or a giant worm hole will open up and swallow us all alive! Seriously.

Gosh, my life is boring.