Good morning, the Earth says Hello.

March 24th, 2012 by KellyJoe

Hey-o. So I don’t have anything I actually plan to write about. I kind of just figured I’d babble for a while and claim its a blog post. That and I said I wanted to update weekly and whoops, kinda didn’t do that last week. My bad.

Whats going on with me-
So its 7 am right now and I’ve been up since 5. I downloaded this new alarm clock called wake up or die. I basically have to shake the crap out of my phone to kill a monster. It worked pretty well considering I woke up half an hour before it was set to go off and just laid in bed worrying about how it was going to go off soon and whether or not that would affect Al’s sleeping in any way. It didn’t but needless to say I ended up being awake enough to get up and go for a jog.
I feel like I’m doing better. I went and spent a week with my mom which I think I really needed. I was going a little stir crazy in my own home I think. I am kind of bummed that I’m not losing the baby weight faster but what can ya do right. My only choice is to try to keep eating healthy and exercising. Or suddenly become rich and buy myself some surgery. We know which of those is more likely.

Whats Going on with Al-
He’s still eating every two hours and seems to be gaining weight really well. I still need to go get him weighed for his 3 month mark but them chubby legs don’t lie. Last week he didn’t do too well on sleeping at night but last night he only woke up once at 5 am which was good since that was around the time I wanted to be awake anyway. He does think that 7 is the new time to be up which kind of sucks but I’ll take it over having to wake up a million times at night. He’s discovering the use of his hands more and more and has started smacking at the toys on his play gym. He’s also started to have this thing with holding on to material. I’ve noticed that when I feed him now he’ll sometimes hold onto my shirt. Its really cute. He also seems to be getting to a point where he’d rather hold on to his blanket than suck on his binky too which is nice since it gives me hope that it won’t be hard to wean him off of it.
He’s still very needy and clingy which I really don’t mind unless I need to get something done. I purchased my wrap and I plan on taking him around in that and seeing if that helps any. I’ll have to post on those adventures after they’re done.
Anyway, lets see if pics will work this week-(Nope. Still broken. I’ll do a special post then with pictures from different months to make up for the lack of cuteness in this blog.)

I think I had more to write about but I can’t recall. I plan on doing more tarot readings in the future so look forward to that along with my baby wrap adventures of a giant pic dump of Al from birth to now. Enjoy your weekend, I know I will.

And we’re back.

March 10th, 2012 by KellyJoe

Good morning. It is currently 6:30 am and I have been up since 5:00. This is basically my routine-sometimes earlier plus I get up one other time in the night so needless to say I am pretty sleep deprived. I am happy to see that this space wasn’t eaten by dust bunnies in my extended absence though.

Anyway, moving on with things. I was thinking it was about time I get back to posting in this thing and informing everyone of at least my weekly doings. Al’s been good though the last couple days I’ve noticed he’s a little more fussy and sleepy so I’m thinking we’re hitting a growth spurt. Hopefully this means he’ll finally fit into his 0-3 month outfits good. Our current sleep pattern is start getting ready for bed around 9ish, crash around 10, back up at 1 or 2, then back up again at 4 or 5, then up at 7 or 8. Nap time is around 2 and I look forward to that time through the afternoon unsurprisingly. He’s still eating every two hours which can get tiring really fast when you’re constantly struggling with your supply and having to pump at least 3 times for twenty minutes a day. The only good part of that is that as soon as I get storage freezer bags I’ll be able to start saving for when I wean him which is looking to be around June cause constantly fighting my supply is getting to be just overly stressful.

I think in my last blog I promised to put pictures up? I can’t remember so enjoy a picdump anyway./Nevermind the uploader is broken. I’ll do it later./

Its crazy how much he’s changed in just two months though he still looks like a newborn to people so we’ve been told. He’s the weight of most newborns still so that doesn’t help him out any. Luckily he’s still about the cutest thing ever. :)

All right, well, now that we got the good stuff down lets talk about how I’m doing for a bit. Unknown to most people, previous to my pregnancy (and if I’m honest, during my pregnancy) I struggled with depression probably since I was 13. This is an aspect of my life that apparently hasn’t changed and doesn’t seem like it will change anytime soon. I was diagnosed with PPD (postpartum depression) and I’ve been trying to handle that non-chemically. I’ve been taking a lot of vitamins, eating healthier, exercising, and getting out in the sun plenty but sometimes it sneaks up. Doesn’t help having out of whack hormones either. The good thing is I know how to handle being depressed since the cycle I seem to go through with it usually has a longer period of depression than feeling normal, the bad news is I really just don’t want to feel depressed anymore. It gets old, frankly. And that leads me to this-I think that if I’m not open about it then I’m most likely never going to feel better. So thats the point of this giant rambly paragraph. Lets talk about my PPD now.

Most likely you’ve read Al’s birth story, if not refer to my previous post. If you have then you know he was taken emergency c-section. I think thats where these feelings started. I was very set on having a natural birth without chemical intervention but when things go wrong what can you do? First it was pitocin to put me into actual labor, then it was the epidural to calm me down when I started to panic. The thing I found really, really sucky about that is that if I hadn’t had basically everything go wrong I could have easily done it. Mentally I was fine with the pain and was having an easy time getting through contractions even with the pitocin making them worse, but physically I just wasn’t capable of giving birth. And that sucks. Seriously. The other thing about that is when I tell people that their usual reply is “Well it turned out ok in the end, you have your baby”. Well, yes, but that doesn’t make it any less disappointing. I missed out on a lot of bonding I wanted to do with Al, I wanted to be the first to hold him and not the millionth, and I feel like I missed out on something vitally important to the entire experience. So, yes, while I am happy that me and Al are both fine, I am still really disappointed by how things happened. If things had stopped at just missing that though, I maybe would have been fine but they didn’t. Recovering from a c-section is a lot like not being able to function. You can be awake and in as little pain as you want but you sure as hell aren’t getting out of bed on your own. Forget that nonsense. Vacuuming? Bending? Being able to get up in the night and hold your baby? Nope. And if your baby just happens to be a floor up in the NICU? Good luck with that one.

The easiest way to say this is recovering from a c-section sucks. It sucks hard. And I have no idea why anyone would ever want to electively put themselves through that nonsense cause, trust me on this, it is NOT easier than actual birth.

Well, that was ranty. I was hoping to end this blog on a good note but, honestly, throwing that all out there felt pretty good. I’m really hoping that talking more will help me control how I feel so I can get on and be a normal human being for a bit. Cause chances are I am never, ever going to ask for anti-depressants. Its just how I roll.

..

And on a super squee of happiness note Stephen King is releasing another dark tower book next month and if I didn’t have a kindle to download it on I would go to the store and fistfight everyone for a million copies.

I still might just do that one for the kicks. :)

So much excitement. It consumes me.